


The Chase

by nosleepshefani



Category: Shefani, The Voice RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 14:45:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7391389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nosleepshefani/pseuds/nosleepshefani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Did he love them, all of those women?  Like them, even?  Or, was it the thrill of the chase that had him hooked?  The thoughts threatened to eat her alive as she watched him, day in, day out.  She tried not to think too much...but, who was she kidding?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drunk

Her legs slowly rubbed against the crisp cotton sheets as she stirred in the morning air.  It was early; too early.  It didn’t  take very long at all to notice the massive pounding in her head.  She opened her eyes and then squeezed them shut just as quickly.  The light was entirely too bright, and it only added to the nausea she had been feeling.  Yep, she’d had way too much to drink.  Entirely too much.  She was surprised she had even made it back to her bed the night prior, and thus began the mental disaster that was a hangover.  Why the hell hadn’t she drank more water?  It was a blessing, for once, that her kids were out of the house.  She must have been in quite the drunk state to feel as hungover as she did now.

 

She had just decided that she needed to get up to get some water and maybe stomach some dry toast when she noticed it.  Or, _him_ , she should say.  There was a very naked man in her bed lying next to her very naked self.  Shit.  And, that man just so happened to have peppery grey and brown curls, now a mess on top of his head, and a tattoo of deer tracks with barbed wire around his arm. _SHIT_.

 

Here she was, hungover, the morning after, with Blake fucking Shelton.

 

Shit.

 

Her mind began to race along with her now rapid heartbeat as she wondered what she should do now.  Her past, drunk, idiotic self had put her in an extremely uncomfortable situation, apparently!  Memories from the night before were accessible, but blurry.   But, now, they all started flashing through her mind.  She could remember them hanging out after filming in his trailer, him offering to drive her home after she had a bit much to drink, them sitting on the couch watching a movie until she grabbed his face and kissed the life out of him.  And, she could remember hands after he carried her up the stairs.  Just, hands, everywhere at once it seemed.  And she could remember how good he felt inside her.  Even the alcohol numbing her mind couldn’t subdue that feeling.  She could still hear herself begging him for more.  As she sat up and winced around the room (it was still really fucking light), the evidence was all there.  Clothes strewn across every surface, a cap that somehow landed on the corner of her TV, and four used condoms that had apparently been chucked across the room.  Jesus, four!?  She supposed that she was lucky that their drunk selves had even thought of using them because, man, wouldn’t that just have been perfect.  But, here she was.  Separated from her husband, and in bed with her coworker.  What the fuck was she going to do next?  Of course it had to be at her house so she couldn’t just sneak out and leave, of course she was going to have to deal with this…

 

She didn’t really understand how this happened, even if she _could_ remember it.  Sure, they’d been hanging out a lot more.  After what both of them had been through, he was the only one who actually understood her pain.  It was useless to try to talk to anyone else.  They just pitied her, and she couldn’t deal with that, because, then, she pitied herself.  But Blake, Blake had understood that, had understood her.  He was the first person to ever show her the true meaning of empathy.  He cried with her when she was dying inside, and yet also knew exactly when she needed him to just hold her and be the strong one.  He always knew what to say, what not to say, and, most of all, he could recognize the emotions on her face similar to the way that she could read her children.  She couldn’t hide anything from him, it felt like, and, honestly, that was what she needed in her life.  When nothing could be hidden, everything was honest and truthful, because there was absolutely no way around it.  And, wasn’t that the perfect cure from coming out of a life of lies and half truths?  It seemed like she was absolutely transparent to him.  He could see right through her, see everything she wanted to see and the things she didn’t.  She’d never had a friend like that before, one who seemed to know her better and be able to help her better than she could herself.  But, she thought that that’s all it was.  That they were just that, just...friends.  But, the thing was, you didn’t wake up in a bed, naked, with friends.

 

She needed some air, and now.  She slowly scooted toward the edge of the bed and tried her best to quietly hop off, but apparently the universe wasn’t in agreement as she heard him begin to groan from his position on his stomach and she turned to see him lift his head towards the other wall.  She immediately moved to snatch the covers to conceal her still _very_ naked body (did it actually matter at this point?  She didn’t know) and the noise must have startled him as he immediately flipped over toward her.  And, didn’t the look on his face just say it all?  He did a double take as his eyes widened and his mouth actually opened and she could almost see the wheels turning in his head.  It seemed like eternity as they both just stared at each other, horrified, before either of them would open their mouths.

 

“...Gwen?”

 

“Uh, hi Blake…”

 

“Did we…” he began, disbelief in his eyes.

 

“Well, it certainly appears that way…”

 

She was actually slightly mortified as he started to look around the room, taking in all that she had just moments ago.

 

“Oh my...three times?” he half laughed.

 

“Actually, you missed the one over there by the bathroom door, so…”

 

“Four times.  Wow.  Okay,” he said, absolutely incredulous.  Neither of them knew what to say, neither of them knew what to do.  

 

“Well, it appears as though our drunk selves had a pretty good time last night,” she smiled, uneasily, almost as if he was unsure if he was up for humor at the moment.

 

“From what I can remember, they did,” Blake replied, unable to make eye contact as he continued to glance around the room.

 

“Well, uh, I think I’m going to go shower, before work,” she said, because, shit, she was going to have to spend the entire day with him now.  He turned his head out of politeness as she walked toward the bathroom.

 

“I’m gonna go home and do the same...I’ll see you at work, Gwen,” he said, and she heard him get up off the bed.  She shut the door behind her and stood with her back to it, her head in her hands, trying to take in the awkwardness that had encompassed that entire interaction. It was strange how that worked...they fucked in the dark, but in the light, they could hardly look each other in the eye.  Fucking alcohol.  This was why she avoided drinking so much... What the fuck had she done last night?  This was her fault, she initiated it.  Her life was already complicated enough, and he had been her rock, her one constant that she could count on.  She guessed she counted her blessings a little bit too soon.  This was about to get really, really messy.

  
  



	2. Detractions

The first time it happened, she had just been trying to visit him in his trailer.  They’d seen each other on set numerous times since, well...that one morning, but it had all been awkward.  Awkward smiles, awkward glances, awkward comments not entirely directed at one another.  Pharrell and Adam would just look at each other strangely; Pharrell even asked Gwen once what was going on, but she had denied that anything was out of the ordinary.  But, enough had been enough.  She needed to go talk to Blake about it, to go sort things out, so that things could just be normal again.  Maybe she could even try to be friends with him again.  The nights had certainly felt a lot lonelier without his name popping up on her cell phone, or the mental reassurance that she could talk to him about her troubles the next day.

 

But, when she opened the door, she was greeted with the most startling image she’d ever seen.  Some brunette with long, curly hair was on her knees in front of the couch where Blake was sitting.  And, apparently, clothes were not a thing.  But, she got lucky; Blake’s eyes were closed in ecstasy, and the girl’s pornstar moans covered up any sound that would’ve been heard as Gwen slammed the door and hurriedly rushed away, trying to get that image out of her mind.  She had a feeling it’d be burned there, though.

 

She’d never seen that girl again, but she _had_ seen the next one.  This one was blonde, with short hair.  She actually got to see her face, this time, as Blake had brought her as his date to an afterparty after the battle rounds had wrapped.  She seemed like one of those girls that needed way too much attention, and Blake didn’t seem too keen on giving it.  She followed him around like a little puppy, and he bought her a couple of drinks, but by the way Blake’s eyes kept wandering, it didn’t seem like he was that into her.

 

And, maybe Gwen was a little bit smug about it.  Maybe the fact that these girls seemed so forgettable to him made her a little bit happy, deep down inside.  Maybe she watched Blake and that little blonde thing out of the corner of her eye all night long, and maybe she sipped her wine with satisfaction.  But she it did, that was her own business.

 

But, then, for that two month break between the battles and the live knockouts, she didn’t even see him.  She never even spoke to him, except once, in a strand of texts about logistics for The Voice.  And maybe that cut her up inside.  They’d been so close, had bonded over so much, and now, it was as though those months of comforting each other, of being there for each other, had never even happened.  She was straight back to where she was before: alone.  But, he sure wasn’t, if the rumors she kept hearing were any indication.  There were lots of photos of him with _lots_ of different women, and people in Hollywood would talk around her, not knowing _exactly_ how much the news was relevant to Gwen.  He’d been hanging out with random people, with movie stars, with other singers.  Gwen couldn’t help but compare herself to them, especially the ones who the entire world knew of.  But it wasn’t going to do her any good.

 

She had only had sex with two men in her life, before Blake; her very serious boyfriend, and her husband.  It hadn’t been like her, at all, to get drunk and wake up with a man the next morning.  But, it almost would’ve been easier if she would’ve made that mistake with some stranger.  Someone she had no ties to, someone she could forget about, who could simply be labeled as a ‘mistake’ and then discarded.  Blake...he was so much more than that.  He had been the person she trusted more than anyone in the entire world.  And, she thinks her drunk self must have known that, as she trusted him with her body that night.   It was such a big step for someone like her.  And, now, she can’t help but think that he didn’t _deserve_ that trust.  He was running around town with so many women, probably having sex with most of them, and then moving on to the next once he got what he wanted.  She wished she didn’t care; she wished that she didn’t feel even more bonded to him now.  But she did.  Sex was sacred to her.  It was the ultimate act of trust.  And, even though she wasn’t planning on it, even though it happened in her inebriated state, the reason she’d had sex with Blake was because she trusted him.  She trusted him to treat her right and to come out of this well, even if she wasn’t consciously thinking about it at the time.  Now, look what he had done with that trust.  He could shove it up his ass.

 

She tried to tell herself that she shouldn’t feel hurt, or betrayed.  Sex was different for guys, for him.  Maybe this was his way of coping, of trying to forget all of the pain that he’d felt in the past few months.  She wanted to think that he wasn’t a bad person; that he was just making bad choices.  And, she could almost be okay with this, almost be okay with his lapse in judgment, if she hadn’t been involved.  But, no; he’d had sex with her, he’d permanently bonded himself to her, after all that she’d been through, after all that they had _both_ been through.  He did this with her even when he knew what sex meant to her, even if she didn’t have to say it out loud.  She might come across as a vixen on stage, but he knew her.  The real her.  She valued herself, her body, and what she did with it.  And he knew her history.  They’d been very vocal with each other.

 

She just didn’t understand how he could do this to her.  How he could have _so_ many women, be _so_ promiscuous, that it made what they did, something so significant to her, seem like it meant absolutely nothing to him.  It was possible that he didn’t know how much this was affecting her, but she was almost certain that he knew better.  He was the most empathetic person that she had ever known.  This wasn’t something that empathetic people did.  They didn’t use her and then discard her and leave her on the floor, to deal with her already broken self, all alone.  They didn’t take advantage of her, knowing her past, knowing how it would affect her, and then just stop speaking to her altogether and pretend like they were never friends, like nothing had happened at all.  They didn’t have sex with someone new every night, knowing she’d hear about it, knowing how hurtful it would be to her.

 

It just didn’t make sense.

 

But no one could know what she felt.  She’d trusted Blake, with literally every part of her, and look at what had happened.  So, it was back to fake smiles and lonely nights, and secrets of a deeply scarred woman that had to be buried deep inside.  She was almost able to make it work, most days.  But others, the pain of this second betrayal, so soon after the first, consumed her.

 

She knew that she shouldn’t care so much, that all they’d done was have sex and that it wasn’t sacred to him, so him fucking half of Hollywood shouldn’t bother her.  There had been no commitment, they certainly hadn’t been planning on a relationship, it was just a drunken decision between two people who were bonded by circumstance, and yet, and yet, and yet.

 

\------

The two months in between The Voice tapings passed by extremely slowly.  Gwen did her best to keep busy, but it didn’t entirely work.  When it was time to go back, Gwen was dreading it more than she ever had.  The Voice, and everyone there, used to be her safe haven.  Now, just look at what had happened?

 

When she got back to the studio that first day, the first person she ran into was Adam, as he was getting out of his car.

 

“Hey there, Gwennie Gwen Gwen,” he yelled over to her, joking.  She couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“Hi, Adam,” she smiled over to him, closing her car door.  They walked towards each other as they made their way into the building.

 

“How’s everything going?” he asked, and she knew it was a hesitantly loaded question.  He tried to keep it light, but, even if he didn’t know about exactly what had happened with Blake, pretty much everyone had noticed that they had been best friends, and then, all of a sudden, they stopped speaking.  There was also the whole ‘divorce’ thing...sometimes she felt as though her life was the perfect setup for a pity party.  Adam actually cared, though, and that was important.

 

“You know, everything is pretty good.  Getting better, anyway, and the boys seem to be pretty okay with everything, so I guess that’s all I can ask for.  What about you?”

 

“Oh, things have been going well for me.  Behati and I are doing pretty well, just looking for a new house right now.”

 

“That’s good!  I’m glad.  I’m happy to be back here,” Gwen answered.  It was a pretty typical conversation, but there was still a huge elephant in the room.  Actually, it was likely going to be the talk of the whole studio, now that everyone was back.  Blake’s escapades had made plenty of headlines.

 

“Yeah, me too.  It’ll be fun to see how all of the artists have developed.”  He paused, and looked away.  “So, have you talked to Big Country lately?” Adam asked, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.

 

“No, but both America and I know a lot of what his life has consisted of lately,” she quipped, trying not to sound as bitter as she felt.

 

“Yeahhhh, sooner or later, he’s gonna pay for that shit.”

 

“I just...I didn’t want to think that _that_ was who he was, you know?”

 

“You and me both.  I know you two got really close there for a while, but he was my best friend, before that, for a really long time.  It’s hard to watch him make choices like that.  But, what are you gonna do, you know?  It’s his life, his choices.”

 

“I just wish he wouldn’t treat women like shit.  When did he go and turn into such a...such a man whore?” she asked, and they both cracked up.  “What!?  There aren’t good terms for guys who sleep around, okay,” she laughed.

 

“How about just a normal, testosterone filled guy,” Adam replied, still laughing.

 

“Nah, that’s disrespectful to men everywhere,” she laughed, throwing her head back.

 

“Really, though, we all go through that at some point.  I certainly did.”

 

“But, he’s, like, almost forty.  I just wish he’d grow up and take himself off of the tabloid covers, or, at least, stop giving them a valid reason to put him on there.”

 

“I know, I know.  I guess he’s just going through a rough time,” Adam replied.  They were nearing the trailers, and Pharrell happened to walk out of his and was walking towards them.

 

“We all go through rough times, you know.  Doesn’t mean we have to deal with it like he is choosing to,” Gwen replied.  Just then, Pharrell walked up and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Hey, boo boo,” he smiled at her warmly.  He walked up to Adam and gave him a bro hug.  “How you doing, man?”

 

“Good, good.  How’s the kid?”

 

“He’s doing well, thanks man.”  Pharrell paused, and his face turned a bit quizzical.  “I couldn’t help but hear you two...were you guys talking about…” he trailed off, slightly gesturing, knowing that they were too close to the trailers to be too blatantly obvious.

 

“Yeahhh, maybe a bit,” Gwen smiled guiltily.

 

Pharrell gave a reassuring look.  “Hey, I know.  He’s been...not himself lately.  But it turns out, he actually got a girlfriend.  Like, a serious one, not some girl he’s just sleeping around with.  I guess that for the first month, he _was_...I mean, all that shit was true.  But for the past month, it’s just been made up, you know how it is, the tabloids trying to capitalize on it as long as they can.”

 

“Oh...well, that’s good for him,” Gwen said, feeling uneasy now.

 

“How’d you find all that out?” Adam asked, a little skeptical.

 

“You two could just _ask_ him next time, you know.  He’ll tell you things,” interrupted a voice with a Southern drawl from behind all of them.  His face looked...hurt, almost.  It was easy to forget that a man with rumors floating around such as the ones they had heard could actually have feelings.

 

Gwen actually jumped.

 

“Hey again, man,” Pharrell said, trying to diffuse the new awkward tension.  Both Adam and Gwen looked just about as guilty as they felt.  “Well, we better get ready.  Especially you, Gwen, we all know you take the longest,” he said, jokingly.

 

And, with that awkward tension, all four coaches went their separate ways into their trailers.  Gwen was a little bit overwhelmed just with the premise of seeing him, in person, for the first time in months, especially after not talking for so long.  She wished he didn’t seems so handsome to her, she wished that seeing him didn’t bring back flashes of their drunken night together...but it did.  And there was nothing she could really do about it, so she just sat back as Danilo and Gregory made her show ready and pretended as though there was nothing unusual on her mind.  Although, if she was really honest with herself, that was true.

 

\-------

 

The evening was long and slightly awkward.  Their chemistry was off, all four of them.  It probably wasn’t discernable to any other eye, but no one else quite knew what ‘normal’ was for all of them, except for them.  What hurt Gwen the most, though, is that he wouldn’t even look at her.  He avoided her eyes, never glanced her way unless it was to look all the way down to Adam to make some stupid joke.  It wasn’t _them_ , it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be, the way that it had used to be.  And, it didn’t make any sense.  If Blake really had a steady girlfriend now, there was no reason to hold onto what had happened between them as a reason to maintain distance, and he was a tough man; knowing that Adam and Gwen had been talking about him shouldn’t impact him _this_ much.  It was annoying, it was bothersome, and Gwen couldn’t quite get it off of her mind.  At her core, she really hated conflict and adversity.  It was uncomfortable.  Maybe that was why her life had been so terrible for all of those years.  She was always willing to do whatever needed to be done to make everything right again.

 

When they all left their big red chairs after the night was over, she was just eager to get back to her house.  She wasn’t really sure why, because she knew fully well that it was empty.  But at least she wouldn’t have to deal with the anxious energy in this building.  She rushed back to her trailer and grabbed her purse and then walked right back out.  But, when she opened the door to leave, there were suddenly people in the middle of the circle of trailers where they had couches set up.  It was a certain cowboy and one of the ladies in charge of the show, Abby.  She had been there ever since season four, or so Gwen had heard.  She seemed nice enough.  They were just sitting on the couch, and Gwen didn’t think much of it, until Blake reached out and put his arm around her, pulling her in close.

  
She froze in her tracks, and she felt nauseous, but she couldn’t force herself to look away.  And she wasn't expecting this, not at all.  She wasn't expecting the way that every time he touched the woman she felt his fingers sear into her own heart.  She wasn't expecting the way Abby kissed him to make her want to vomit.  She wasn't expecting his laughter to result in her own tears.  She wasn't expecting to hurt _that_ much.

 

She quietly slipped away and then ran and ran and didn't stop for anyone until she made it to her car.  She locked the door and shut out humanity once again and cried and cried until the tears simply couldn't fall anymore.  This was different from before.  It was different from walking in on his escapades, it was different from seeing pictures of him out with tons of women, it was different from that one night with the annoying blonde.  That had all hurt, that had all been really painful, but deep down, she knew that all of that was superficial, that none of it would last.  She knew that, whoever he was having sex with, his bond with them would never even come close to the one she had built with him during their conversations for all of those months where they would just help each other make it through the day.  They had been more than friends; they had been allies, closer than anyone, because only they knew what the other was going through.  It felt like their friendship was meant to be, like their souls were meant to cross paths.  And none of those women he slept with had that with him, and she knew it.  It was how she’d kept herself sane for those two months off; she had an ‘edge up’ on all of those other people because, although they might have sex with him, they weren’t bonded to him like she was.  They hadn’t been to hell and back with him like she had.  Gwen might not have been talking to him, at the time, but she knew that he knew that they had something extra.

 

But _this_.  This was different.  There was someone else in his life, now, that he was actually investing in, actually sticking with.  And they were probably building quite a strong bond, and he was committed to her, which was more than she could say for what she, herself, had been to him.  The idea of being replaced, not only in a sexual way but in an emotional way, was enough to send her over the edge.

 

It took her a bit, but she pulled it together.  She had a lot of practice at that.  There were a couple of options; she could forget about it, about him, about all of it.  Or, she could try.  She could try to show him why the two of them, together, were so magical.

 

She packed up her dignity, put it back on her shoulders, and took a deep breath.

 

Well, if he wasn't going remember her, she was going to show him how hard she could be to forget.

  


 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. This doesn't seem like Blake! What the hell am I thinking...I know. But, there is a plan here, there's always a purpose when I torture you, I promise! This chapter was transitional. Next time, we start getting into the really juicy stuff.


	3. Damned

She was Gwen Stefani, after all. Everyone seemed to know what, exactly, that meant, except for her. People see what they want to see, especially when they look at themselves. Maybe that was why Gwen could never see all of the suitors lining up for her, all of the gestures that so many men made in hopes that maybe, just maybe, she would notice them. She was just so used to feeling insignificant; she was so used to having to beg for affection and yet so deprived of it that she couldn’t even identify it when it was standing right in front of her. And, wasn’t that sad? She had gotten so used to her own personal image, had accepted it so fully, that she didn’t even realize all that she was worthy of, all that she deserved.

 

It wasn’t until Blake that she started to understand how much she had been deprived of the things that she deserved. He made her feel _valued_ , he made her feel like she was worth something. She was _worthy_ . He helped her see that, in her marriage, she had cared enough and accepted enough and loved far more than enough. And, if she wasn’t getting in return what she put in, well...she was worth more than that. She didn’t even realize how much she just let things slide because she didn’t see that she didn’t _have_ to. She didn’t see the choice there, all she saw was the ring on her finger that symbolized her commitment; a contract of some sort. She didn’t realize that it was voided if the other member didn’t hold up their part of the bargain. Blake helped her to see that she didn’t _have_ to settle; she didn’t _have_ to just accept what was offered to her.  She could say no, and walk away, and find a better deal in life.  It wasn’t until Blake that she started to see that she was allowed to _want_.  To desire.  And she was allowed to go and search for what she wanted.  

 

That was the most precious thing anyone had ever done for her in her entire life.  

 

He gave her the permission to want.

 

She just didn’t know what it was, that she wanted. Until she saw someone else with it... _him_.

  


Now, here she was, alone, in this bar, with a very attractive man who just _“happened”_ to sit down next to her. She didn’t go out to meet people; actually, she was only here because the executives of The Voice had requested a dinner meeting with the coaches and producers and directors going into the live shows. They had all sat and they ate and discussed continuities and changes for how the show would be run in the next round, and then they disbanded. Some had stayed, some had left. But Gwen needed a drink after being in the same proximity as a certain man for so long, and she had seen a perfectly good bar. So she stayed. She normally wouldn’t do this, go somewhere without security and sit by herself. But, she couldn’t bring herself to care tonight.

 

She didn’t really think about the fact that _he_ might stay, too. But he did. So, he had Abby, and Gwen had her martini. And, apparently, this man next to her.

 

He was handsome, she had to admit that to herself. He was well kempt. Not a hair of his dark, wavy locks were out of place. He looked as though he had stopped in the bar after a long day after the office, if his clothes were any reflection. She could tell that this man had a great taste in fashion, and she wondered if her suspicions about his interest in her were correct. He kept sipping his beer and glancing quickly in her direction. She simply sat, examining the decorations behind the dimly lit bar in this extremely expensive restaurant.

 

She thinks he must have finally worked up the nerve to talk to her as he shifted his body towards her. She looked up at him. He wasn’t young, per se, but his green eyes were youthful.

 

“How is it that I, an ordinary man, wound up sitting next to the extraordinary Gwen Stefani at a bar tonight?”

 

“Well, tonight, I am just a lonely stranger in a bar, just like anyone else,” she said, with a slight smile and a sigh.

 

He gave her a slightly puzzled look, but it was kind.

 

“From one lonely stranger to another, can I buy you another drink?”

 

And here was her choice. Her choice to want, or not to want. For the first time in a long time, it was truly as simple as that.

 

“Yes,” she smiled back at him.

 

He knew that this was it, this was his permission, his validation. And she could see it in the way the tension was relieved from his shoulders and his eyes warmed up.

 

“I find it extremely unfair that you know my name, but I don’t know yours,” she said to him nonchalantly.

 

He smiled, again. It was just another smile from just another guy at just another bar in just another city. And tonight, maybe she could be just another girl. One who didn’t have to think, one who could just do. This was cliche, it all was. Meeting random guys in bars, letting them buy her a drink.

 

“Lucas,” he said, simply, before asking the bartender to make her another martini.

 

They talked then, she tried to be interested in his life, he tried to not know too much about hers. But, his life was far too boring, and he couldn’t change that he knew all of her children’s names and where she grew up and about her entire love life without her even getting the chance to tell him. So, she mostly listened. She smiled, she was gracious, she laughed on cue and inquired when necessary. And, he was nice enough.  But, while she tried to focus on his green eyes, she couldn’t help but notice the blue ones that bored into her.

 

She was on one end of the bar, and _he_ was sitting on the other end. Blake was almost directly across from her, and he wasn’t being subtle in the slightest. Abby didn’t seem to notice though; she was glancing down at her phone, talking to him. He would just nod and smile, all the while intruding on Gwen with his eyes. It seemed to be working, if his stolen looks were any indication. It wasn’t really a plan, per se.  You’d have to be pretty manipulative to plan something like this, and Gwen was many things, but manipulative was not one of those. But, if the opportunity happened to fall into her lap, well...she was only human.

 

She tried not to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she was aware. But, if she was a bit smug that he was witnessing her get picked up by some stranger at the bar, then that was her business.

 

So, she laughed more and she smiled brighter and she grabbed his hand at one point. It was petty, it was stupid, it was...so many things. But she didn’t care. He was her distraction for the night, and if he came with another benefit, that was just as well.

 

When it was almost midnight, Gwen was ready to leave. She started to grab her purse as she paid off her tab from before Lucas had arrived, but he grabbed her arm.

 

“Wait, Gwen...do you want to--would you want to come to my place for a bit?”

 

She was expecting it, of course she was. This was how it worked. This was what she had signed up for when she allowed him to buy her that very first drink. But she wasn’t expecting to say yes, until it popped out of her mouth. Maybe she said it because she needed to erase one mistake with another, maybe it was because her other mistake was sitting directly across from her and she needed the satisfaction. It was petty, what she was doing, but she didn’t care.

 

So, Lucas took her out to his car, and drove her to his loft downtown. He clearly had money. But this wasn’t about a future, it was about the night. And forgetting. And so she let him kiss her, and she let herself kiss him back. She let him slip off her shirt, and the rest of her clothes, and she let him lay her down. She wished she could blame it on the drinks, she really did. But that wasn’t it. It was just those blue eyes from across the bar that clouded her judgment.

 

She thought that Lucas would be an escape, something to help her forget. But that just backfired, like everything else in her life. She couldn’t help it, she flashed back to her night with another man...the one she couldn’t seem to forget, no matter how hard she tried. She remembered the way he kissed her, the way he made sure she was comfortable, that she was feeling safe.  She remembered the way that his hands and his lips said far more than words ever could.  She had been drunk, but perhaps, before, she was just blocking the memories. Because now, with another man, so different from Blake, all she could do was remember.

 

Lucas’ hands were so different, far rougher, and his lips were hurried, just an afterthought. It was so different from before. She didn’t realize just how good Blake felt until, here she was, now, with a true stranger. She didn’t know why she was here. All she could do was compare, and when it was over, after feeling no satisfaction, the tears ran down her face. Lucas wasn’t trying to hurt her, she knew that, so she wouldn’t let him see. It wasn’t his fault, her past. He was just the guy from the bar.

 

It was half past one in the morning, by the time everything was done. But she couldn’t stay. That wasn’t what this was. She stood up from the bed, gathering her clothes, and put them back on the way they were before. She was on her way out when he spoke again, still lying in the bed.

 

“Gwen...can I see you again?”

 

She was walking out, carrying her shoes. She paused in her tracks. She wasn’t sure what made her do it, but, without facing him, she walked over to a notepad sitting in the kitchen. She left her number, her dignity, and not another word.

 

\------

 

She couldn’t sleep. She had tried for hours, and had managed to get a little bit of it, but once the sun started to rise, she decided that there wasn’t much point in trying anymore, anyways. Sleep was the one painless escape from her horrid life that she could resort to, but she couldn’t find it, and in her awake state, all she could do was think. She didn’t want to think, to relive. So, she got up to start the day. At least something was bound to take her mind off of her night.

 

They were shooting today, so she drove to the studio, quite early, hoping to find some company. To her disappointment, the parking lot was virtually empty, but she knew that if she went inside and waited, eventually, someone would come. So, she walked through the usually bustling building, now covered in a sheath of silence. It was kind of eerie.

 

All of a sudden, in the middle of the hallway, her ringtone disrupted the silence. She jumped at the sound before digging in her purse to find her phone. When she eventually found it, she was initially surprised to see a random number without a contact (not just anyone had her number; normally she gave it to them) before she realized her cardinal mistake. Jesus, it was only eight o’clock the morning after and he was already calling her. She didn’t even know what she was thinking...it was best to just end this now. She slid open her phone.

 

“Hello?”

 

A nervous but familiar voice met her at the other end. “Hi, uh, Gwen, it’s Lucas.”

 

“Oh, hi Lucas!” she exclaimed, feigning her shock. She was 45...why did she even…

 

She listened to his little monologue about how he had a “great time” last night and how he would just love it if they could see each other again...dinner, perhaps? She mentally rolled her eyes and waited for him to finish, ready to crush his dreams, when she was startled by the sound of footsteps behind her.

 

She whipped around, and couldn’t decide if she was surprised or not at who was standing there. He always managed to show up at the most inopportune times.

 

She’d be lying if she tried to say that his presence didn’t influence her words.

 

“Yeah, dinner sounds great! Tonight? Okay, perfect, I’ll see you then!” she said, trying to maintain her composure before hanging up.

 

And he just stood there, leaning on the wall. Staring.

 

“Good morning, cowboy,” she said as nonchalantly as possible.

 

He didn’t answer for an uncomfortable amount of time. “Lucas, huh?”

 

What did he want her to say? She didn’t know. She decided to start with nothing.

 

He continued. “Is that the boring, typical guy from the bar last night who couldn’t keep his eyes up?”

 

Oh, no. No, he didn’t get to do this; he didn’t get to guilt her, to shame her.

“He is from the bar, yeah. But he isn’t boring.” God, she wished she didn’t sound so juvenile right now. Or that she had something truthful to say.

 

“I suppose he must have been interesting enough to leave with, right?” His eyes were accusational. They were saturated with so many emotions that she didn’t recognize. She couldn’t look into them for long; it was like staring into the sun.

 

“You know, Blake, you don’t have to make this uncomfortable.”

 

“You’re right.” He still stared, and he still leaned, and he sounded very off.

 

She wished he wasn’t challenging her, waiting for her to snap. But he was.

 

She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

 

“Actually, we just made dinner plans for tonight.  Would you and Abby want to join?”

 

And, now, she was challenging him. He must have been surprised, but he hid it well. He simply sighed and swallowed.

 

“Sure. Texts me the details, and she and I will see you then.”

 

It looked like he accepted.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient :). I will do my best to be faster this time! Life got a little crazy for a bit there with work. I know that I said that this chapter was where it would get interesting...it turned out, I didn't have a big enough foundation for the story yet! But we are getting there, we are getting there. It wouldn't be meaningful if it was a quick story, now would it? ;)


	4. Deprived

It was a strange thing, really, being at dinner with two men that you’ve slept with. She should probably be used to it by now; she had been in a band with her ex-boyfriend for years and was eternally connected by children with her ex-husband. And, hell, she even worked with Blake, so it seemed as though she was doomed to see all of her ex-lovers. But this was different; it was all so fresh, no closure to be had. And it was especially awkward that one of the men had a new girlfriend right next to him, and the other was a man she hadn’t intended on seeing ever again. Was she using him? Maybe. She didn’t really know what for, though. She didn’t know why, exactly, she was doing this. But, here she was. Sitting next to a person she had intended to use as a stranger that would help her forget the man who was sitting diagonally across from her.

Then, there was the other person...a woman Gwen had never expected to think much of in her life. It was funny how people’s roles in life could change so drastically...Abby used to be just another executive whose opinion only marginally mattered on the show. Then, as soon as she left the meetings with all of the higher-ups, Gwen would never think about her again. But now, Abby populated Gwen’s mind far more than she was comfortable with. She shouldn’t compare them, she knew that. But, she did, and she couldn’t help wondering what Abby had that she didn’t. It kept her up a little bit, at night. She knew she shouldn't care...but she shouldn’t care about Blake, either. It was funny; feelings didn’t seem to give a fuck about what they should or shouldn’t do.

“So, how did you two meet?” Abby asked Gwen and Lucas, politely.

“Oh, we were both just sitting at a bar and I somehow got her to let me talk to her,” Lucas said, pridefully. Gwen winced internally. She wished they could say something with more depth.

“Oh, that’s nice,” Abby replied. Gwen wished it didn’t sound so condescending. She wanted to curl up into a ball and hide under the table.

Was it her hair? Her eyes? Something extra special about her laugh? Or something deeper...did she get him more than Gwen did? Was she better at being there for him, was she more comforting? What in the hell was it? Gwen couldn’t focus.

“Blake and I actually work together, on The Voice,” Abby said, clearly trying to continue the conversation.

“Yeah, Gwen works with you guys too, obviously. Seems I’m out of the loop,” Lucas replied.

He had no idea.

“What do you do, Lucas?” Blake asked.

“I work for Nationwide, the insurance company.”

“Oh, that’s...interesting,” Blake said. Poor Lucas, he couldn’t even begin to size up to Blake. And Blake wasn’t into playing nice, tonight, it seemed.

Gwen really should say something. But she didn’t know what she could say. They let Lucas and Abby do most of the talking, as she read the menu for an excuse to keep her mouth quiet, only briefly entering the conversation when necessary. But, any time his baby blues connected with her own eyes, she felt a searing pain, straight to her heart. She tried to ignore it, did her best to live inside the riveting conversation happening at the table about the weather and working for an insurance company and dogs. She tried to be interested. But it just wasn’t her world, this simple one. She wished it could be, but that possibility had gone away a long time ago.

“How long have you two been together?” Lucas asked.

“Oh, Blake and I, it’s been a month? Maybe a bit longer. It _feels_ like it’s been longer, doesn’t it baby?” Gwen felt like she was going to puke.

She couldn’t do this. Not anymore. She didn’t even know why she thought she could.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’m feeling a little sick. I’m gonna step outside for a minute,” she said, getting out of her chair all too quickly and half sprinting toward the front door. She needed to get outside, now. She needed to get some air.

The night was cool and calm; it couldn’t be any more different from her right now. She found a quiet place on the side of the brick building and pressed her back against the wall, leaning her face into her hands. She pushed her weight back onto the wall and tried to take some deep breaths.

“Gwen?”

Her head popped up from her hands.

“Blake?”

He turned around the corner, and made his way, slowly, toward her, where she was leaning against the wall. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, my stom--”

“Okay, stop, Gwen. You and I both know you’re not sick. That’s not what I meant.”

He paused. For an uncomfortable amount of time. She could almost see him thinking. 

“You know, Blake, you should probably get back inside...Lucas and Abby will worry.” 

“It doesn’t really matter, does it? As far as they know, I’m just a concerned coworker.”

She stared, and he stared back. There was so much emotion in that stare that she felt like she might burst into tears. After a lot of hesitation, Blake opened his mouth.

“Can I ask you something?”

She nodded. She was too scared to speak. 

“Why...why did you do this? Ask us to come here tonight? We never even talked about... _it_...damn it, Gwen, we never even talked about it.” He sounded deflated. Defeated.

She paused, thinking. She knew she needed to choose her words carefully. “What was there to say, Blake? We were drunk. Really, really fucking drunk. And shit happened, and we woke up, and then everything...it was all different. We were just two really drunk people who couldn’t even think straight and crossed a line that you can’t step back over.”

All he did was stare back at her, from his spot at the edge of the building. His actions kept his secrets, but his eyes threatened to share them.

“Gwen...if you were thinking it was because we were drinking…” he took a deep breath, and sighed. “I wasn’t _that_ drunk.”

And with that, and a lingering glance, he turned the corner and left her alone with her thoughts.

 

\------

 

What was that? He didn’t get to do that; he didn’t get to drop a bombshell like that and then just walk away, go back inside, to his girlfriend. His _girlfriend_. Gwen ended up texting Lucas that she was too sick and drove home. It was alright; she had no desire to see him ever again, anyways.

She tossed and turned in bed. Sleep clearly wasn’t interested in enticing her, that night. It was useless, trying to pretend that she could think of anything besides his words, and what he meant. It was absolutely ridiculous to think that her mind was going to shut off any time soon.

They had been so close, before...she needed to get over her aversion to him. She needed to grow up, and be an adult, and go talk to him, face to face. There was the terrifying reality that he might not be alone, at his house, but she tried to force herself to ignore it. She dragged her sorry ass out of bed and grabbed her keys, sighing. She should’ve known it would have to come to this.

 

\------

 

The door opened. She expected him to be yawning, but he looked about as alert as she was.

“Gwen?”

“Hey, Blake...are you...alone?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Can I come in?”

He didn’t say anything, just opened the door a bit wider, and turned away, walking. She followed him, shutting the door behind her.

He wordlessly led her through his dark house, passing through the foyer and family room and kitchen. It seemed so different from the sanctuary she used to escape to with the man who was her refuge, back when things used to be normal.

They wound up on his back porch, and he closed the screen door behind them. They might have been in California, but at night, under the stars, and with the crickets chirping and trees closeby, it could have been somewhere far more secluded. She thought that was precisely why it looked as though he’d spent his entire night out here. There was some country music playing quietly through the speakers, and she could see his signature bottle of vodka on a side table next to the chaise lounge he had likely been laying on. The night was cool and soothing, and his silence, for the first time in a while, wasn’t uncomfortable. They both walked up to the railing of the porch and leaned against it, staring out into the night.

“I’m sorry about earlier, for leaving dinner,” she said, staring straight ahead. Something about his eyes seemed too daunting.

“It’s okay. It was...it’s okay.”

They didn’t talk for a few minutes, just took in the night.

“How did you find this place, in the middle of Hollywood?” she asked as she sat down onto the lounge chair next to her before laying back and stretching out on it. “It seems like such a hidden gem.” Blake followed suit on his own chair.

“I don’t know how I found it, but when I did, I knew I had to rent it. In all of the craziness around here, when the night falls, at least this can feel like home.”

“Do you ever just--do you ever just look up there and think about how small we are? As people?”

“All the time.”

“I mean, I am just one person on a planet full of billions of people in a galaxy full of billions of planets in a universe full of billions of galaxies. And my problems are even smaller than I am in all of that. But, if we are so little...why does everything feel so big?”

“I wish I knew.”

“And the crazy thing is...there is someone, somewhere else in this world, looking at the exact same sky that we are right now. I mean, it connects you, you know?”

She can hear him breathing as she stares peacefully up at the landscape of the night sky. “I know.”

She forgot that it could be like this, that they could be like this. Normal, friendly, have meaningful conversations. And going back there for even just a few minutes makes her miss how it used to be even more. But, there’s no going back anymore. Not really. This isn’t real.

“Gwen?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you come here?”

And there it was. She continued to stare up at the stars. Emmylou Harris played softly in the background.

“I couldn’t sleep and, I don’t know...I guess I just wanted to talk to you.”

“About... _it_?

“Yeah.”

She paused.

“Earlier, when you said that you weren’t that drunk...did you...did you mean that?” she asked, daring to shift her gaze to his face for the first time, her head turned sideways from her position lying down.

He glanced at her, and then resumed his position staring up at the sky. There was silence for a moment.

“Gwen, can I ask you something?”

She simply looked at him, wishing he wouldn’t leave her question unanswered.

“Do you know what life is all about?”

“What’s that?”

“Choices.” He waited a moment. Maybe he was just letting it sink in. “Everyday, you make so many choices. Hundreds. And, sometimes, you probably don’t even realize you’re making them. What time to wake up, what to have for breakfast, what makeup to put on, what color socks to wear...there are choices everywhere. Big ones, little ones. But even the little ones are important. Because all of those little choices you make, added up, got you here, right now, laying a few feet away from me outside looking at the stars. Gwen, we all make choices. So many. So, to answer you...I _chose_ to say that to you, earlier. And I _chose_ to _be_ with you, that night. I could easily have chosen not to do either of those two things. But I did.”

Her silence was in awe at his admissions, this time.

“Blake?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you ever regret your choices?”

“I mean, sure, at first. But if you think about it...I’d be a fool to do that, Gwen. Because every single choice brought me to this moment, right here, right now. But, then again, we’re both lying down and staring at the stars, but you’re feet away from me. So, maybe just a couple,” he chuckled.

She felt her blush, and thanked God it was too dark to see it.

“In all honesty, if I made different decisions, I wouldn’t be living this life right now. So, no. I don’t regret anything...not even the shitty choices.”

“But Blake…”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you...why did you sleep with so many women, a couple of months ago?”

“Because I wasn’t mature enough to face my emotions head on and deal with them.” She was surprised at his frankness. There wasn’t yelling, or arguing. Half of her wondered why, and the other half was thankful.

“Blake?”

“Yeah?”

She took a deep breath. “What is she that I am not?”

He sat up, and glanced at her. “Nothing.”

She stood up and let herself out, despite his questioning glance. He didn’t protest, just allowed his eyes to follow her on her way back through his winding house, before he could add to his list of shitty choices.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	5. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay--I know a lot of you have been asking for longer chapters. I hear you! But tonight, I whipped this up really quick, and posted a poll on Twitter to see if people would rather me update sooner (tonight) but shorter, or wait longer and update with a longer chapter. Posting tonight won at 53%, and I promised I'd listen (this is for you, Doreen ;P ). So, longer chapters in the future...just not this time :).

Her hand was on the handle of the front door; her choice was final. As much as it pained her to leave, she knew that the alternative would hurt even more. But, she underestimated her resolve. All it took was the hand on her shoulder of the one person on the entire planet who could make her forget what she was thinking, and she was gone.

He spun her around, into his arms, her fingers’ warmth lingering, forgotten, on the doorknob. He whirled her around and he walked her backwards so that her back was pressed to the door, and he raised his palms to her cheeks, and he kissed her. And he kissed her. And he kissed her.

He kissed her into her soul, so deeply that she could feel the tingles emulating all the way down her spine, making her toes curl. He kissed her with so much passion that she felt it in her stomach, a bubble ready to burst, the anticipation like standing at the edge of a cliff. He kissed her the way that she had always deserved to be kissed. And he kissed her with so much honesty, so much emotion, that her thoughts of leaving seeped out into the air, forgotten. It was everything she wanted to feel, and everything she knew she shouldn’t. But her conscience was flooded, was overrided. It was the kind of kiss you could live inside of.

Maybe that was why she wrapped her legs around him, maybe that was why she moaned into his ear as his lips worked their way down her neck, leaving a trail of care in their wake. Maybe that was why she unbuttoned his shirt, her hands working their way down in between their tightly pressed bodies as she kissed him back with as much devotion and care as she could muster.

There weren’t words. They didn’t need those, anymore. No words could adequately communicate their rush of emotion. And they didn’t want to try, either. For just a bit, as Blake carried her up the stairs, her legs wrapped around his waist like she was holding on for dear life, her hands tangling in his hair and his hands daring to venture downward as he moved as swiftly as he was able, they didn’t speak.

That’s what this was, after all. Daring. They were daring to push the boundaries; to break them. They were daring to challenge each other, they were daring to ask the other to stay, to love, to worship. It was only as Blake laid her down on the bed and lowered himself lovingly on top of her, daring her to let him, that Gwen realized she didn’t have the courage to accept.

She half broke her own heart when she slowed her kiss, moved her palms to his chest and pushed him up.

“Blake…”

He sighed, and looked at her knowingly.

“We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You _know_ why not.”

“That’s not good enough for me.”

“I won’t be that girl, Blake, I won’t.” She said, as he rolled over to the side, staring up at the ceiling in the dimly lit bedroom.

He sighed. “What girl, Gwen? We’ve already--this is nothing new.”

“That’s the point! I will not be another one of those girls for you!” She began, getting angry. “I refuse! I will not be the girl you use when you feel like fucking with your morals! That is not me, Blake.”

“Gwen, I--”

“No!” she continued, sitting up and adjusting her shirt aggressively. “I don’t care what you have to say! This is turning into a pattern...you...you have a girlfriend, now, Blake! I thought you were past this point...I thought you were ready to be a man again, to be committed to someone again.”

“Gwen!” he shouted, his voice raising.

“You know what it is, Blake Shelton? It’s ‘the chase’! It’s the fucking chase because you love seducing women, you love that rush, you love feeling wanted. You run around and find new girls and you go after them until you get exactly what you wanted all along, and then you leave them and find a new girl and you start all over! It’s not a fucking game, Blake, it’s not,” she said, her voice fading as the emotions threatened to take over.

“Are you done?” he asked, eyebrow raised.

She just stared back at him with spite, her head still.

“This is not a game to me,” he said, calmly, staring steadily into her eyes, as hers threatened to spill over. He reached out to touch her leg, but she pulled away.

“Then explain all of the girls, Blake, there were, like, twenty of them, at least,” she said, her disappointment in him coloring her words. “Why did you...why did you go out and...why did you sleep with so many women, Blake?”

“Gwen, I just...I honestly was in shock from the magnitude of some of the emotions I was feeling. I didn’t know what to do, I was confused, I was angry, I was lost. So I resorted to sex and alcohol and other stupid shit...I was trying to numb my emotions. But that’s the thing...once all of the distractions have worn off, those damn emotions are still there...they demand to be felt.”

She felt confused. She probably looked it, too. “But I thought you were finally starting to get over Miranda, back then? That you had made some progress?”

He broke eye contact, glanced around the room. “I didn’t mean...I wasn’t trying to get over Miranda.”

She was even more confused as the truth of what he was saying slowly, dangerously, seeped into her mind. It seemed too treacherous.

“Then...what were those emotions?”

He looked her straight in the eye. His own were deep blue, the deepest she’d ever seen, and they threatened to spill the secrets of his pain. “I was trying to get over you.”

And, there it was. The truth she had known, deep down, the truth she had even secretly hoped for. But she felt like the air had been knocked out of her. And her face didn’t do a very good job of lying.

“Blake...I thought I was just like some other random girl to you, and we were drunk, and it was...I thought that you thought it was a mistake, I…”

“Gwen. You weren’t ever, _ever_ just some random girl to me, and you know it.”

“Then why...how did everything...why didn’t you just _talk_ to me?”

“I figured you saw it as the biggest mistake of your entire life...there was alcohol involved, and I...I just didn’t see how _I_ could be anything other than a mistake to you. And, the timing was shit. We were both coming out of fucked up marriages, and I didn’t want to ask for more than you were able to give…”

“There is no such thing as timing. You either love someone, or you don’t,” she got out before the tears began to consume her body.

“Oh, Gwen,” he said, reaching for her. She could see his heart breaking for her, but she moved away from him. She stood up, and she walked down the stairs, and he followed her this time. He didn’t try to touch her...it seemed like he got the message. But it didn’t stop the tears from slowly dripping onto his own cheeks.

“Please don’t leave, Gwen. Please don’t go,” he asked, trying not to beg, but succumbing to the urge, anyways. They were two broken adults with two broken hearts and the overwhelming temptation to salve one another, but Gwen knew that it was only a temporary fix. It would only cut deeper, in the end.

“I have to,” she said, as everything in her entire body screamed otherwise. “I may not be in a relationship, Blake, but you are. I will not allow--” she took a deep breath as she cried. “I will not allow you to be that kind of man.”

“But if it’s so wrong...tell me, why does it feel so right?” he asked.

She simply stared back, the tears in her eyes the only answer she was able to provide.

He sighed, sounding resigned. “You’re right. I wish you weren’t, but you wouldn’t be...you wouldn’t be ‘you’ if you weren’t.”

“I know,” she replied, resisting the urge to pull him in close. She didn’t think she’d have the willpower to let go, if she did.

He felt the same way.

He opened up the front door, and she reluctantly stepped out, her tears calming.

“Goodnight, Blake.”

“Goodnight,” he replied, almost a whisper. He stood there, in the doorway, and watched as she got into her car and pulled out of the driveway. He watched her leave him until he couldn’t see her red tail lights anymore off in the distance.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what, though? I like this little piece on its own, anyways. :)


	6. Damaged

She was avoiding it. The entire thing. She woke up late, had too many cups of coffee, tried on too many outfits. Anything to suck up time; anything to keep her from facing her newest and scariest reality. She was avoiding herself, too, though...she could hardly look in the mirror. It was easier to not stare into the face of the woman who almost did exactly what her ex husband did to her, to another woman. And she was mad--mad that Blake would put her in that situation to begin with.

It sucked, all of it. Not knowing where she stood, not understanding how a man who said such beautiful things to her, who wanted such beautiful things with her, who could make her _feel_ as beautiful as he did the night prior, could belong to someone else. She didn’t want to think that he was capable of cheating, but he clearly was. And that went against everything she thought she knew about him...that went against the ideals of the man she was in love with. Once his core started being stripped away...was he that man anymore? Was he the man she loved if same the external form morphed into a different person on the inside? She didn’t know. She wanted to see it as just a lapse in judgment, but she had dismissed such behaviors in the past. And that didn’t work out well for anyone.

  
It was so bittersweet. She knew the man he could be, the good kind. The kind that could love right, the kind that could protect and be impassioned. But, she had seen a glimpse of the other man that he could be...the kind that caused heartache and the kind that was careless, the kind that broke people and didn’t stay around to pick up the pieces. She could see him...she could see both versions of him.  She knew that he was a good man, in his heart, either way. The difference was whether he wanted to choose to _feel_ , or _not_ to feel. Sometimes it took all the courage in the world to open the gates to vulnerability, because once you do, you can’t filter out the unwanted emotions. She wanted him to make the brave choice, the right choice. But, she was terrified that he wouldn’t. She had seen both sides of him warring on each other ever since his divorce. It was his choice to make. 

She loved one of those men, and she hated the other. The sad part was, she didn’t know which one scared her more.

 

\------

 

Her trailer was her solace, once. She used to sit and talk with Blake here. It was the realm in which they could exist together, because anywhere outside of The Voice just seemed too personal, too involved. It was never something either of them voiced, it was just a kind of silent agreement. Neither of them was committed to anything or anyone at the time, but it just kept things from feeling too serious, too heavy. They weren’t ready to see the truth yet, back then. They just fooled themselves. But, it was what they needed to do. 

It was ironic, though...they shared conversations far more intimate than most would, even on a date. Most people didn’t talk about life the way that they did together, with a sort of brutal honesty and way of intriguing the other no matter what was said. She supposed the trailer was the facade they both hid behind before they were ready to face the truth. The truth was, this was the place where she fell in love with him. Away from the cameras, away from obligations, away from forced personas and fake people and social pressures. They could just _be_ when they were in here. They could just talk and pretend like it wasn’t what it was, and as long as they both lied to each other and themselves, no one would know. Not even them.

How foolish it was, to ignore. But, she feels like there wasn’t much of a choice in the matter. She wasn’t ready to see the truth, and she had a sneaking suspicion that he wasn’t either. So, they both just pretended, in their own little world, forever ignoring reality, forever emblazoning their secrets into these four walls.

Her musings were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door. She had avoided most people all morning, but she supposed it couldn’t last all day. She felt like she knew who was behind the door. She couldn’t avoid him forever, whether she wanted to or not. She got up, opened it, and, sure enough, he was standing on the other side.

“Blake…” she began. He just smiled at her. Just beamed, right into her. Those dimples would be her death. “Hi. What’s...what’s up?”

"Hi, to you,” he said, still smiling. “Can I come in?”

She opened the door wider, and stepped aside. He sat down on the couch, and she sat next to him, a considerable distance apart. He gazed into her eyes, daring her to look at him.

“It's done, Gwen. It's done,” he said before reaching for her hand between them, his smile brighter than the sun. She loved the feel of his calloused fingers on hers, but she loved it too much. It was just his hand, yes, but there was so much tenderness and hope in his eyes. She couldn’t do that to him, give him false hope. 

After a moment, she slowly pulled her hand back. 

"What?" he asked, the questioning look in his eyes the only lapse in his happiness she’d seen yet. He spoke softly, with honesty coloring his tone. "I broke up with Abby. It's over now."

"I know, I heard you." This was killing her.

"Gwen, it's just you and me," he said, slightly frowning now.

She just closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He leaned back and looked at her with hurt in his eyes. It took everything she had to maintain her resolve.

"Blake...I can't."

"But...why?"

"I just...Blake, what if I hadn't stopped it last night? What if we had fucked? Can you honestly tell me, with all of your heart, that you still would've broken up with Abby, if I hadn't given you an ultimatum?"

His voice began to become slightly angry as her startling thoughts hit him. "Gwen. This is not me just trying to--to fuck you. I did not break up with her just so--just so I could do that. Whatever would've happened last night, I still would've broken up with her today. I want _you_." His voice calmed again. “Baby, I just want you.”

"What about the fact that you were so ready, so willing to cheat on your girlfriend last night?"

He honestly looked shocked. 

"Oh my god--Gwen. No! Please don't think like that. This was different. The circumstances are...you and I are different. I'm not supposed to be with her. Not anyone else in the entire world, no one but you." 

"Blake. It's still cheating."

"Don't you dare insinuate that I would cheat on you, Gwen." He looked as though the thought physically pained him.

"Well, Blake, with what I've seen of you throughout these past few months, why wouldn't I come to that conclusion?" She didn't want to think that way. But yet...

"Gwen. You and I are _different_. I--"

She was getting frustrated, and her tone was showing it. "Every single guy says that. That the girl is 'different'. That it's okay that he cheated because it was 'different'. Let me tell you, it's never different."

"Yes. It was. And it is. And you know it because I know you feel it, too. You have to. Gwen, I didn't care about what we were in the morning. I didn't care about any other woman, or anything else. All I knew was, last night, in that moment, I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. You have to understand...the reason I fucked around for so long was because...I couldn't be without you. It _killed_ me. They were just distractions, Gwen.”

"You could've just had me, you know. All of those distractions...you could've just _had_ me, Blake. I was yours." She was starting to tear up.

"Gwen. I didn't know that! I didn't know how you felt."

"You could've just asked, instead of sleeping with half of the city." Her voice continued to raise. "Do you know what that was like for me, by the way?"

"Gwen..."

She was yelling now, tears blurring her vision. But she didn’t care. "To have sex with you and think it might have meant something and then see it cheapened by twenty other women?"

"I'm so sorry. I am, I know I made shitty choices."

"Can you understand why it might be a bit difficult for me to trust you?" Her voice was testing, was aggravated.

"Gwen. You can trust me. You know me."

"I _knew_ you!" She screamed it, all of her frustrations and fears saturating the trailer.

He looked like he'd been punched in the gut. His tone became more gentle as he became more desperate, pleading for her to hear the honesty in his voice, pleading for her to understand. He spoke slowly. "Gwen...I love you. I _love_ you. And only you. I know I haven’t given much reason to believe me, but--"

"You're right. None at all. I'm sorry, Blake. I want to kiss you, I want to go home with you, I want to wake up with you in the morning, but...I just can't. My heart is still so fragile." His admission of love startled her, flattered her, rocked her to the center of her being. She wanted to break, she wanted to let out all of the energy it took just to stay away from this man. But she had to protect herself.

He stared into her eyes with a forlorn gaze she wished she didn't know. "I would never break your heart.

"But don't you see, Blake? You already have."

She couldn’t look as he slowly turned around, a shocked look on his face, and walked out.

 

\------

 

He stared at the bottle on his nightstand. It wasn’t much use to him now; he’d emptied it an hour ago, along with the one he’d accidentally shattered in the kitchen. That was okay, though. He’d clean it up in the morning, once his head had stopped pounding, and he’d found a way to think about anything other than a blonde with a sober mind. Then, he could drive to the store and do the same thing again the next night, and repeat it until the pain had been numbed so much that he could forget how to feel it, or, anything at all. He wasn’t looking forward to sleeping. It was too painful...it was like she tried to haunt his dreams. But she haunted his reality, too.

The bed was too empty. He missed the warmth, the early morning snuggles, the security of the thought that the person with you could be anywhere else in the world, but they chose to be there, with you. But, what’s different now, is that he misses _her_ warmth, _her_ snuggles, _her_ security. It was ironic, really. He felt absolutely nothing for the woman he’d broken up with only a couple of days before, but he couldn’t get this other woman out of his mind. It wasn’t Abby’s fault. She was just the sad, collateral damage in his discovery that his purpose in life was to love the woman who had changed his world. He wondered if Gwen knew how much she had affected him, how every move she made, every word she spoke, was something he held onto in order to replay in his mind, later at night, when he wasn’t in her presence. He wondered if she could even fathom the thought that she was the easiest decision of his life, his best choice, his hardest goodbye.

It had been so hard to be around her all day and pretend like nothing had happened, like everything was normal. The truth was, the state of his happiness had a lot to do with the state of their relationship. It took him long enough to realize that...he didn’t want to waste anymore time. But, it seemed you couldn’t make someone love you if they didn’t, and you couldn’t make someone want you if their heart said otherwise. What hurt the most was that he did have a chance, at one point. She’d told him that, today, that she was ‘his’. He wondered how he could have been so dumb that he chose sleeping around over the one woman who had ever truly understood him.

For now, he was just a lonely, sorry bastard, unable to find a way to fix all of the damage he had done. His sadness was almost tangible. It just made him immeasurably dissatisfied that somewhere, in the world, in another bed, she was sleeping without him. The thought of existing separately from her seemed pointless. He didn’t want to see the world through a lens that didn’t include the way she seemed to give everything meaning for him. She had a way of making the ordinary things extraordinary.

He didn’t know how to be extraordinary by himself. He didn’t know how to add color to his life the way she could, he didn’t know how to get through the day without her smile. The truth was, he needed her. It was past the point of wanting; he required her. He required her to keep himself from being ordinary, to make his life sparkle with meaning the way only she could.

He missed the way that light caught in her eyes, illuminating all of the emotions she didn’t even know he could see. He missed the smell of her, and how it would linger after she had gone, reminding him of her. He missed her taste, the taste that intoxicated him in a way alcohol never could. But, most of all, he missed her love. He missed knowing that Gwen Stefani would support him no matter what, he missed knowing that he had more time with her. He took that time for granted, and he took her for granted.

Now, here he was. Only a bottle and a wasted mind kept him company, tonight.

 

\------

 

Light on, light off. Fan on high, fan on low. Soothing music, silence. No matter what the hell she did, she just could not fall asleep. She supposed it was because it was impossible for her body to be comfortable when her mind was just so damn far from that.

It seemed like whenever she got her emotions under control in the daylight, the darkness later betrayed her. And, it wasn’t a choice, really. No one would choose to feel like this. She wonders if anyone would choose to love, at all, if they actually had a say in the matter. She wasn’t sure anymore...not when it felt like this.

She was just so angry. But, she wasn’t sure if she was angrier at him, or herself.  He’d apologized; he’d said he was sorry. But sometimes, that just wasn’t enough. No matter how much she wished it was. If she’d just taken the easy way out, just accepted his apology and moved on, she wouldn’t be alone in this bed right now. How was it that two people who wanted to be with each other more than anything could still both be sleeping alone? It was a cruel joke. Then again, she did it to herself. It killed her, but it had to be done...she felt like she could trust him, but that was precisely why she shouldn’t. She didn’t think she’d make it to the other side of a broken heart, this time...not with him.

He wanted everything back the way it was, but life just doesn’t work that way. You can’t pick a moment, rewind back to it, and pretend all of the choices you regret didn’t happen. That chapter of their lives happened...Abby happened...and there was no erasing that.

Even so, she still noticed the hollowed sounds that his laughter used to fill, that his breathing used to occupy. When she closed her eyes, she saw him.

 

\------

 

Her phone woke her, the ringtone loud in her otherwise quiet, dark house. She yawned and rolled over to grab her phone, but before she could answer it, after the second ring, it stopped ringing. Whoever had called had hung up.

It was two in the morning, and Blake had just called her. Or, at least, started to, and then thought better of it.

She instantly felt more awake...she didn’t know what to do. Did she want to talk to him? Didn’t she? What if he had a little too much to drink...what if he needed her? Did she _want_ him to need her? All she knew was that if she was going to call him back, she had to call him back _now_ , before she lost the courage. She sat up, turned on the light, and called him back.

“Hello?”

“Hey Blake, uh...you just called me, and I was just wondering why.”

“Oh, I uh” he sounded embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I dialed and then I thought it was probably a bad idea.”

“Well, you already woke me up,” she said, laughing slightly.

He chuckled on the other end. “Sorry about that. I should’ve thought of the fact that normal people aren’t awake at two in the morning.”

“So, while you have me here,” she began, a little nervous, “What did you want to say?”

“Oh. Well, I...Gwen, I just can’t stop thinking about everything.”

“Me either.” She shifted uncomfortably. She wanted to just tell the truth, but everything she had already told him was what she _needed_ to say, not what she _wanted_ to say. How could she explain that she loved him, but she couldn’t be with him? It didn’t make much sense in her head, let alone out loud. She just needed to bite her tongue.

“I know you--I know you just don’t want to be with me. And that’s alright, I’ve just got to accept that. I--”

“Wait a second, Blake, I never said that.”

“Then how come you’re at your house, and I’m at mine?”

“I...it’s not that I don’t _want_ to be with you.”

“If you wanted to, you would be.”

“Blake, it’s more complicated than that. I--”

“It really isn’t.”

She could hear the frustration in his voice. She was frustrated, too. Frustrated that this was her life, frustrated that he had screwed up so much that this became complicated.

“Blake. I _want_ you. I want you. But you and me...we just shouldn’t be together. Besides all of the screwing around and shit choices lately, besides all of that, we just come from different worlds. From different places, entirely. We could never fit together, not realistically. And, I have kids, and I can’t do ‘unsteady’ or ‘unsure’. And I’m complicated and I’m hard to be with and I--”

“Do you love me?”

“Wait, what?” she said back into the phone, frozen, scared of what she thought she heard.

“Gwen, do you love me?”

“I--Blake, don’t make me answer that, not over the phone, not...it’s not fair.” She was leaning backwards into the pillow, shaking her head, as tears started to form in her eyes.

“I believe you’re the one who told me, ‘you either love someone or you don’t’. And you were right, Gwen. You were right, because I do love you. I love you because you’re the only girl who could _ever_ make me smile the way that you do. And, you’re the only girl who’s ever made me cry, the way that you do. The truth is, the damned truth is, no one could ever replace you. No one. I didn’t realize it, but as we became closer, as we bonded over the shittiness in both of our lives, as we laughed together and cried together, I was slowly falling in love with you.” She could hear tears in his words, but that was okay. There was no stopping the flood on her end, either. “Damn it, Gwen. I love you. And I’m sorry that I took so long to say it, and I’m sorry that I took so long to show you. But, I’m gonna show you. I’m gonna try my damned hardest, and I’m gonna show you that no one can love you like I can.”

She knew that he could hear her crying now. She was shaking in her bed. Why did he have the ability to break her heart, even with his caring words? He made her feel too much. It was dangerous, but it was intoxicating.

“Blake…” she said, quietly into the phone.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. Even if you never want me again, I’ll always know that you did...once. And maybe that could be enough.”

“That’s not it. Blake...I will always, always want you,” she whispered, a secret she couldn’t hide.

He chuckled. “Well, I’ll just have to go ahead and catch you during a weak moment, huh? A good, old fashioned, lapse in judgment.”

She laughed slightly, through her tears.

“I know. You just don’t want me enough.”

For the first time, there was a slightly uncomfortable silence.

“I--”

“It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything. Gwen, I love you. And I’ll tell you a million times a day, and I’ll show you in every way I possibly can. Until, maybe, someday, you’ll believe me. Goodnight,” he said with finality as he hung up the phone.

“I love you, too,” she whispered into her room. It fell upon deaf ears.

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey loves! I know it's been absolutely FOREVER. Life, eh? School, work, practice, family...it's all a lot! I'm becoming less busy, so I should have more time to write in the coming months. Please comment to let me know what you think--they're great motivators!! Love all of you to pieces :).

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I know this is a short chapter, but I've got plans for this! Fun, fun plans ;).
> 
> I finally made a fan Twitter account...go follow me @ nosleepshefani if you're feeling like it :)


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